Hi guys, it's been months since I updated my blog...
It's been a busy 1 year for me and I'm proud of myself and the woman I've become.
A friend of mine reminded me a few days ago, of how grown I have become, especially mentally and in my writing skill. I didn't take her seriously until she mentioned my blog. You can't be surprised that i decided to take a look at it this morning only to become nostalgic.
It reminded me of a lot of things but more than that, I can see the flaws in some of the things I've written, and I'm grateful that I am at a point in my career where I can actually spot all of it with ease and create several ways I could have done it better...on the spot!
Before I get any more emotional 😎 I stumbled on the last draft I saved for publishing in February of last year and I'm going to share it with you guys exactly as I left it back then.
Read On...
"Some of us know how we can feel a lot of different
emotions for just one person at different times, good and bad so maybe trying
to have a face to face talk with an ex ( if I can even call him that) isn't the
best move.
Yeah, uhm...that's right. It brings back a lot of emotions.
So much that you begin to doubt yourself again.
I remember thinking “I still love this guy.” And maybe I
did...or still do…but it was all so confusing.
Let me tell you this one…
So I did something really "unhealthy". At least that's what he called it. I started a
conversation with him on a burner Facebook account and found out he has a new
girlfriend.
Not quite long after we ended things?
As amused as I was, my chest really hurt. It was hard to
believe…so hard that I really wanted to hear it from him, to see his reaction
when he told it to me. And maybe that was actually a wrong move because all it
did was make us rehash a lot of things that we had already let go of.
I asked for a face to face time with him and the really good
man (strong though...but a softie at heart) that he is agreed. See what I'm
saying? He’s such a really good person,( the man I dated before I met him would
have ignored me completely until I started to beg profusely and still, he would
not respond) that I, with my human understanding cannot even begin to fathom
why two good, heart-on -my sleeves people could not work out
I got to see how agitated he got during the whole talk and realized
I must have really hurt him.
For the record, it was really unintentional. Trust me, I
still can't believe I was the one who hurt him and not us hurting each other
equally in our own ways.
I could feel this cold, despising aura towards me...but I
could also see that there was a little love in him for me still. I could see
and understand (from experience with him) what the softening of his eyes meant the
different times that it did. And I think
that it made me feel better and that maybe the both of us somehow, still wanted
another shot with each other but are too sacred to try again. He because I hurt
him, me because of the message I got after my prayers.
I really liked that he told me the truth. How he got pretty
close with a friend of 2 years and he was so sure they were both willing to
take it to the next level. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but I felt a peace
right after. I was nervous and my voice shook as I talked but I was really at peace.
On my way home that night, there was this cooling sensation
that flowed through my body and I still don't know what it meant.
I really want to stay friends with him but I don't want to
place myself in a position where I could lose my peace thinking of all the
times he might be spending with his new girl when he isn't with me or at work
or with friends."
Over a year has gone by and I'm glad that I actually let that situation go. It took a lot of determination and strength...and fights but I did it and I don't regret it.
✌
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