I Met A Man Once (2)

 

A few months after it started, even though i was still scared about making a wrong decision. He-who-must-not-be-named! was the only man i had my eyes on. I didn't want him to have an idea that i was falling for him incase he took advantage of that information. I was firm in my resolve that i was still going to take my time to get to "yes" to his request no matter how much i wanted everything a relationship entailed with him.

Yet, i remembered a singles & dating sermon i watched once that talked about not letting the person go, as long as they added value to your life. So i wrote down the next few lines in my notebook.

 ''How does he make me feel? 

Secure, complete, confident, not just excited but emotionally energized when we talk, when he holds my hands or when he touches me. He inspires me. Makes me feel like there is nothing I cannot accomplish every time he's encouraging my work or telling me I can do it. What about the day he told me about my portfolio? I never knew I had one. Everyone needs someone in their lives that adds value to them. I really hope I'm of value to him. Sometimes it feels like I don't know enough to be of value to him. I shouldn't shut down myself entirely, if anything, my prayers are of value to him even if he doesn't know about that.''

Two months later when we had our ''broke the camel's back'' misunderstanding, i was ready to let it all go, take the blame and try again. He wasn't...but as the good man that he was, after a whole week of pride (even though i was nursing my hurt) and one day of insistent begging on my part for us to try one last time(i could not bare to lose the value he added to me which i kind of needed at that time), he agreed. But it was different! so different that i was embarrassed and angry with myself for letting it all come to that. I tried once more to evaluate my relations with him.

 ''The man that I fell in love with...in all the time that I knew him only ever busied my call once. When he was really upset with me. And he sent me a text immediately to tell me he couldn't bear to talk to me. That didn't put me off but when I called him again within the second, he picked and he talked to me and I apologized and we were alright again. The man I fell in love with would not stay long hours without checking the app he feels I might have texted him through, to reply me. 

The man I fell in love with always made me feel...not just excited but emotionally energized when we talked or exchanged texts, held my hand or touched my legs in that absent minded way he did when he was explaining something to me. The man now is diff...now all I feel is fear and a pounding heart whenever we contact each other. Why? Because he no longer loves me? His heart is not in it and he doesn't want this to work out? He's treading carefully. Afraid to be vulnerable or 100% with me again? He's interested in someone else now? He's testing me? 

It hurts that I'm finally really putting myself out there 100%, fully trusting him, fully taking responsibility for all of my actions and role. Fully letting myself love him the way the true me does. I am scared it might be too late. God please give me the strength to persevere until the end...until he says he can't be with me anymore.''

And now, it's all gone and i know why!

to be continued...